I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
