If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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