She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
