I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
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Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
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Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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