I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
