I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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