Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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