remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
My ass is underappreciated
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
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