:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize