The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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