the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
