Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
