The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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