yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
