youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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