Kiss
Puke
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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