Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
