in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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