I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
