and you said cock pushups were impossible
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
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