Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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