u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
