I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
