I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My bed is full of blood and feathers
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
