you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
