i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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