Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
