yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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