the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
