well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
