i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
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I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
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I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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