Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
