Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
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No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
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