my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
