You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
