If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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