he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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