I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
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