So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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