Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
