I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
