Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
