I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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