I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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