as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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