I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I would fuck him just for his dog
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
