Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Help me help you realize you are a moron
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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