Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
