you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
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She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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