even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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