He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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