how can u be prego again
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
