I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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