She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
