bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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