Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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