About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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